The Advantages of Adversity

THE ADVANTAGES OF ADVERSITY

Dear parent

WALKING AWAY

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of pupils. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.

This year, I hope your child experiences the pain of failure!

Why would I make such a callous, seemingly uncaring statement? I make this statement because without failure, our children’s education is incomplete, and we certainly cannot then expect them to be well-rounded, confident problem solvers. As teachers and parents, we often regard children, including adolescents, as fragile human beings who must be cared for in an especially delicate manner. The truth is that children are far more resilient than we give them credit for. Indeed, many teenagers show remarkable recovery from major tragedies, setbacks and disappointments. They often cope better than adults in these situations. Despite this, when a child is faced with even the slightest difficulty, obstacle, or problem, the protective instinct in the parent kicks in, and there is an overwhelming urge to save the child from pain, and provide a quick fix solution that will bypass any pain. The first term of the year has seen a number of well-meaning parents desperately concerned with a ‘problem’ that has arisen with their child, and before allowing their child to deal with the problem, they immediately contact the school, demanding solutions, and expecting retributions. Similarly, in some disciplinary matters, parents will often stand in defence of their child, even though they are well aware of the fact that the child has done something wrong, and needs to face the consequences of his/her actions. While I cannot criticise a parent for wanting to love and care for the child, and while I must unequivocally state that I do not refer here to matters that will severely impact the physical and mental health of a child, I do need to say that problem solving is key to personal growth, and the development of authentic self-esteem. Sadly, however, many parents do not give their children sufficient latitude to learn from their mistakes, deal with the hardships that they face, or be held accountable for their actions. While it may seem, at the time, that you are doing the right thing by finding a solution for your child, you may in fact be doing your child a complete disservice.

I would ask you to consider the most meaningful lessons you have learnt in your life. Chances are that these lessons were learnt primarily through loss, disappointment or failure. As a parent then, are you providing your child with these learning opportunities, or are you preventing his/her growth because you are being too protective? As the poem above suggests, it is extremely difficult for a parent to ‘let go,’ yet this is an important act of love because by letting go, you give your child the freedom to find him or herself. By not ‘letting go’ you are indirectly saying that you do not believe he/she can cope with life’s challenges.

I am certainly not condoning an environment where there are no boundaries, and your teenager is given free rein to do as he/she pleases. Instead, I am saying that you need to empower you child. This empowerment does not come from you providing a quick fix solution, but rather by allowing him/her to master meaningful challenges and be accountable for his/her actions. By inviting a child to cope, rather than giving him/her the solution, we show our belief in that child, and build self-esteem. The key point here is that we (the school and you, as the parent) need to invest in your child’s emotional, spiritual and moral growth rather than merely solving the problems for him/her. Though this process will take a little longer, and will certainly be painful at times, the benefit is greater because we are developing coping mechanisms and self-belief in the child. In this light, you will understand what I mean when I say, “Let us prepare the child for the path, rather than the path for the child.”